Call me old fashioned, but I grew up in a time where the only thing vampires wanted to suck was your blood. But, as it has a tendency to do, Hollywood has taken a beautiful thing like ravenous, blood-thirsty, demon-bat-from-the-underworld-things and made them, well… suck. (It’s a pun! Teehee.)
Remember those vampire dudes from “The Lost Boys”? Or what about the guys Buffy used to slay? What happened to the vampires that used to give people nightmares and make us wet the bed? … err, not that I ever did that. Heck, even that OCD Count from Sesame Street was scarier than what passes for a vampire these days.
And who do we have to thank for these sexy, sexy vampires? One special woman who goes by the name of “Stephanie Meyer”. Yes, while she may not have started the whole Vampire-Romance genre, she certainly is the reason why millions of pubescent girls secretly pray every night that some anaemic weirdo will watch them while they sleep.
Of course I’m referring to the joke known as “Twilight”. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this franchise, you should fall to your knees and thank the Heavens above that you have been spared… Just kidding… No, but I’m really not.
The story follows some emo chick (Bella), who falls in love with a “vampire” (Edward) but who’s also hot for a “werewolf” (Jacob) and how she’s emotionally torn between the two (a.k.a. she wants to bang them both). On top of this garbage storyline, this mofo Edward has the audacity to not die when exposed to sunlight, no, what does he do? HE SPARKLES! I will tolerate a lot of things in life but a sparkling vampire is not one of them, damnit! … but I digress.
Anyway, over the course of about 4 films (4 films too many), Bella realises that she loves Edward and gets married to him but Jacob goes batshit crazy, crashes the wedding and eats the fuck out of both of them… No, not really, but that would have been pretty awesome.
I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m choosing now to complain about Twilight, seeing that it’s already ended (thank the Lord), but what reminded me of it is the fact that there’s a film set to debut about a girl who falls in love with a zombie. Don’t even get me started on that. At least she found a guy who loves her for her brain.
The point I’m trying to make is: WTF?! Young girls should not want to date vampires and werewolves, they should want to be violently brutalised and eaten by them… oh no wait, that’s what I want to happen to them.
Is it too late to call Buffy or Blade?