This is meant to be a lighthearted post and I hope you all take it as such. It’s not intended to be offensive or blasphemous in any capacity. Besides, if you’re a prude who can’t take a joke, I don’t want you reading my blog anyway.
First of all, Happy Easter!!! I hope you’ve all had an amazing weekend filled with lots of chocolate and other stuff that you’re not supposed to have but did anyway because, why the hell not?!
For those of you who don’t know why we Christians celebrate Easter, here’s a nutshell version of what went down all those years ago: Jesus Christ had 12 disciples, one of them (Judas) betrayed him and is the reason he was found and ultimately killed. Morbid, I know. Anyway, three days later, Jesus miraculously (because that’s kind of his thing) rose from the grave and thus, proved he was the son of God. Note: This may not be completely correct because I’m a bad Christian who doesn’t read the Bible, but I’m sure it’s vaguely accurate… maybe.
Anyway, I got to thinking, imagine what it would have been like if Jesus’ whole shtick wasn’t peace and love? What if he vowed that he would get his revenge on Judas for betraying him?
Allow me to set the scene: Jesus is being crucified. Judas watches on, feeling pretty chuffed with himself because, let’s face it, he’s a dick. Jesus looks down upon Judas and swears he will get his vengeance no matter what. Just indulge me here.
[3 DAYS LATER]
Judas has all but forgotten about Jesus’ promise to deliver a revenge-fuelled ass-whoopin’. He sits in front of his roaring fireplace, about to pour himself a glass of wine. As he pours the wine, it turns to water in his glass. Suddenly, the lights turn off and Judas hears a voice out of the darkness.
Voice: Alcohol isn’t good for you, old friend.
Judas: Who are you? Who’s there?!
Voice: It’s your worst nightmare!
Judas: Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold night?!
Voice: YES… wait, what? No, you fool!
(The lights turn on to reveal Jesus standing behind Judas).
Jesus: Hello Judas.
Judas: J-Jesus?! That’s not possible! You’re dead!
Jesus: Or so you thought! But remember, I’m the Son of God! So uh, I’m here to kick your ass for betraying me.
Judas: Uhmmm, that wasn’t me, I’m pretty sure it was like, Peter or something and…
Jesus: Cut the crap, Judas! I came here to chew gum and kick ass… and I’m all out of gum!
Judas: Oh, you wanna dance big man?! Well bring it on!
And then Jesus would go on to beat the tar out of Judas using cool Jesus-Martial-Arts and maybe a hadouken or two.
Seeing that I’m not really the “turn the other cheek” kind of person, I like my version better because I would have loved for Judas to have had his ass handed to him by Jesus. But alas, I guess that’s why I’m not God. Well, that and the fact that I’d probably use my power to like, get a giant bag of Doritos rather than solving world hunger or whatever.
Uh, okay bye.