Hello, my dear readers. I hope this post finds you all in good health because I most certainly am not. Yes, I sit here typing this as I take my last few breaths as my time on God’s green Earth draws to an end. You see, ladies and gentlemen, I have the flu.
What?! Don’t look at me like that; it’s actually a lot worse than it sounds. For example, the picture accompanying this post is not a drawing, it is in fact a picture taken of me this afternoon. Seriously, I turn into a little blonde white girl holding a cat when I’m sick. True story.
It’s said that at least 2 out of every 3 sufferers of the flu die within the first 24 hours of contracting this disease and uh, this is totally not a made-up statistic. You don’t need to Google this because I’m totally trustworthy! *puts both thumbs up and gives cheesy smile*
In all seriousness though, having the influenza isn’t all that fun. My body feels like it’s met the business-end of a baseball bat, I have a fever which makes me feel like I’m in the Sahara desert one moment and the frozen planes of the tundra the next, my nose can’t decide whether it enjoys being blocked or runny more but is having a grand old time switching between the two and to top it all off, my head is killing me. (Not literally, although I wish it was literal at this point.)
It’s been a long, tough road (over the course of today, at least) and despite my suffering with this fatal disease, I have been a real soldier and handled it like a mature adult. To prove how totally equipped I am to handle whatever life throws at me, here are some quotes from me, from my time alone:
•I’m going to die today.
•Why do you hate me, Jesus?!
•*sings Opera to self* Oh Lord, this fever is making me lose my mind.
•*sees sun coming out* GO AWAY, SUN! LEAVE ME TO DIE IN PEACE!!! *sniffles* *falls face-first into pillow* *weeps violently*
Uh, yeah… like a mature adult.
Anyway, despite the fact that I am now physically handicapped, I will face the world with vigour and optimism… starting tomorrow because right now I need to just curl up into a ball and die. Second on my list is to just sit here, looking into the darkness, wondering why bad things happen to good people.
In closing: If I am to meet my untimely demise due to my illness, I want you all to remember me as a lively, bubbly guy who always made people laugh and a guy who had a great, great butt. Seriously, it’s ridiculous how magnificent this thing is. I mean it, someone had better mention this fact in my eulogy because damn.