Ooh yeah, bet you guys weren’t expecting questions of an existential nature from the guy who was posting about aliens and super-powered people blowing other people’s butts off 2 years ago, were you?
That’s how life works, right? We learn and we grow and we better ourselves, or at least that’s what’s supposed to happen.
I’d like to think that human beings are designed to be constantly evolving (in a metaphorical sense, before anyone wants to lecture me about Creationism – a topic for another day, perhaps in about a million years in the future when humans have gills because we adapted because… y’know… evolution 😉 ).
I’d also like to think that I am not alone in having periodic existential crises, maybe because, in part, that makes me feel less alone *violin music begins to play in the background* *a single tear rolls down my cheek as I stare wistfully into the distance*
The reason for the title of this post is because I do feel that I am still searching for who I really am. Here’s what I know for sure so far: My name is Nikolai, I’m 22 years old, I am a proud South African, I’m a Master’s student, I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a sain-No sorry, I’m thinking of Alanis Morisette.
I think as much as we like to define ourselves as this or that and fit ourselves into certain boxes, it’s really a lot harder than people make it seem.
Part of my anxiety about the issue is that I feel time is passing me by so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting at home watching The Power Rangers and… scratch that, it actually was yesterday. Bad example.
Thing is, I don’t want to wake up someday and realise that 50 years have passed me by and I just wasted them because I was a lost soul searching or trying to fall in line with the expectations of others in the hope of somehow, some way finding some sort of deeper meaning.
I know I don’t want to be defined by the colour of my skin or the way I talk or how much I weigh, or what god I choose to worship (or not), or how much money I have in the bank, you get the point. So then I am once again left with the question: Who am I? Not so easy to answer when you strip away all the things you think define you as a person.
As for me, and as for right now, I don’t even have a semblance of an answer and I’m starting to think that maybe that’s okay. I mean, I doubt many people had themselves or their lives figured out at 22. I don’t have to have all the answers to life because I know of an omnipotent, omniscient being who is greater than me that does: Oprah.
Anyway, one day when I figure out the secrets of the Universe, you will be forced to accept me as your merciful god-king and bow before me, but until that glorious day arrives, I will continue to ask: Who Am I? Maybe someday I will have an answer.