Kelly Osbourne vs. Lady Gaga… and Me?

Hello my little love muffins! I know I’ve been neglecting you all and you’ve missed me terribly but I’ve just been so busy at University that I’ve forgotten to update you guys – I am gutted and will try my utmost to update more often. Anyway, I have a new story to share with you all so grab your popcorn and coke (the drink, you guys) and read on. Be warned, it’s a long one.

I’m sure many of you know who Lady Gaga is but, how many of you know who Kelly Osbourne is? Well, for those of you who don’t, Kelly O is daughter of famed “Black Sabbath” rocker Ozzy Osbourne and his wife, Sharon Osbourne. Kelly is on the panel of E! Entertainment’s show “Fashion Police”, whose job is to critique what celebrities wear on a weakly basis. Here’s where the drama between Gaga and Kelly started: A while back, on an episode of Fashion Police, Kelly said that Gaga was “disrespectful” for not walking the Grammys’ red carpet and also referred to her as a “butter face”; this clearly infuriated Lady Gaga’s “Little Monsters”.

They began to bombard Kelly with hateful comments, even going as far as to send her death threats and to say that they hoped that she would get raped, get AIDS and die. Were all these vile and hateful attacks on Kelly warranted? Certainly not.

Lady Gaga published an open letter addressing the situation to which Sharon, Kelly’s mother, responded with this. Things had been silent for a while, that is until Kelly was chosen to be on the cover of a recent issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. In it, Kelly was asked about her and Gaga’s “feud” and she responded by calling Gaga a “hypocrite”, amongst other things.

And here’s where I come in: Upon reading Kelly’s latest comments, I took it upon myself to be Lady Gaga’s great defender (roflol). I wasn’t angry, per se, I was just irritated at the way Kelly and Sharon kept bringing this up as if Lady Gaga had any control over what her fans were saying.

So I tweeted Kelly the following:
”I sympathised with you the first time around but really, grow up and get over it now. Stop milking this “feud” with Gaga. What do you expect when you talk shit about people’s idol? I’m not defending the vile comments made towards you at all, but you need to realise that there are consequences attached when your job is literally to trash people’s appearances. Furthermore, it’s not your first time at the rodeo. You act like it’s the first time people have attacked you. You’ve been famous for God knows how long, so you know full-well that hate comes with the territory. I really did feel bad for you, but you and Sharon constantly bringing up Gaga not defending you is getting real old real fast. I’m not saying that what ”monsters” say to you is acceptable by any means, but constantly playing the victim solves nothing. My dear, don’t misunderstand me, I love you and your mother dearly but it’s a bit much to see Gaga brought up constantly by you.

And to my utter surprise, Kelly actually responded to me:
“We get asked, we don’t bring up. This has been going on for almost 2 years. No one deserves this. I will always stick up for myself. In no way am I playing anything other then the card I was dealt!” and when I told her that it wasn’t fair that she makes it seem that Gaga can magically control her fans, she responded with: “Don’t be a self-proclaimed Mother if you don’t want to take responsibility for your children!

I personally think that it’s utterly ludicrous for one to think that any celebrity can brainwash/control their fans into following their every command, even if we’re talking about Lady Gaga’s cult-like followers, the “Little Monsters”. Another question that needs to be raised though is, what is celebrity culture doing to our society? Are we so invested in what goes on in the lives of people who don’t even know we exist that we’re willing to attack people so violently and vehemently if they speak a word against them? People nowadays are so deluded by the fact that celebrities are more accessible than ever, that they truly believe that they have a say in their lives, in my opinion at least.

Anyway, after it all, Kelly O told me that it was refreshing to talk to someone like me who could hold their own without being rude and sweetened the deal by following me. I returned the follow and told her we could be BFFs to which she shot me an “xoxox 😉”. So, all’s well that ends well?

The Land of Gods and Monsters.

Ah dreams, they can be so lovely. Lovely and also weird as shit. Take some time to reflect on your own dreams while you read this so you can introspect and also so that you don’t realise what a garbage post this is going to be.

I have a tendency of having either really grandiose dreams where I’m like, a super awesome hero or I’m macking on some gorgeous babe or really weird dreams where the strangest things can happen.

For example, one of the weird dreams that really stuck with me involved Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, The Joker (Heath Ledger version), some random guy who was burning bodies and me having telekinetic powers. I’ll leave you to make the connection between all of these things for yourself, because you need to exercise your brains but also, because I’m too lazy to type it out.

Dreams can be pretty kickass because we get to do stuff in them that we can’t in reality. We can fly, we can be a worldwide superstar (which I’m going to be soon anyway… but I digress), we can literally do anything we wish… or can we? Unless you’re capable of lucid dreaming, your dreams are pretty much guaranteed to be a mass of just utter nonsense.

On the flip-side of dreams, we have nightmares. Nightmares are created by satan when you don’t eat your vegetables and hug your moms… haha! Just kidding! (But you should totally do both of those things because they’re important). According to The Business Insider (because apparently dreams fall under “Business” nowadays), common nightmares include: Being chased, having teeth fall out, being naked in public, drowning and seeing Rosie O’Donnell naked. Okay I made that last one up, but seriously… imagine that. Nightmares are the uncool, younger brother of dreams who hates the world and wants to make everyone as miserable as they are… hey wait, that’s also a description of me.

Anyway, dreams are weird but also cool but can also be scary and also, I don’t actually know what this post is about so bye.

World’s Best Protest… EVERRR!

Hello all my little lovely readers! I know I’ve been quiet but I’m going to make up for it with an awesome story about something that happened yesterday.

To give you all a little background, I’m doing my Honours in Media this year and it’s been pretty cool so far. That is until we found out that the exam for our research module would be a 4-hour long paper directly after we have a ton of work due. So upon learning this, my classmates and I devised an ingenious plan: We would protest the examination.

So we hatched our brilliant plan: We would all march to the course administrator’s office, lay down the law and ask… nay, DEMAND that the exam be cancelled! And yesterday, the plan was set in motion.

Our little ragtag superhero group of Stephanie, Zippy, Shivani, Tayla, Shweppes & myself all fired each other up and took the long walk to the course administrator’s office… and that’s where the plan pretty much fell apart.

As soon as we reached the door, we pushed Stephanie and Shweppes into the room to be our spokespeople and I ran to the back of the group, just in case any dookie was about to hit the fan. Then I noticed that everyone else in the group was going in, so I did too… just to present a united front.

So there we stood, the chosen 6 who were going to fight the good fight. We stood strong and proud; after all, it was all of us against one woman. We glared at her, a look of worry flashed across her face as she looked at us… and we all froze.

We all stood there in silence, hoping that one of the others would say something but no one did. That is until Stephanie, in her most confident and confrontational voice boomed: “Uhhh, we were just wondering about the exam… ?”. And then we stood there and listened to our options for the exam – none of which included not writing it.

When the administrator was done talking, we all reluctantly accepted our fate, turned around and left her office, feeling quite deflated. So in essence, we accomplished what we set out to do… minus the part where we totally didn’t.

You would think that with the propensity that us South Africans have for protest action, that we would have been able to swing the situation in our favour slightly better but, alas, it wasn’t so.

Oh well, at least I know that if there’s ever a time when my classmates and I need to band together to tackle a social injustice, we’ll be able to do it. We’ll fail miserably, but we’ll assemble so awesomely that we’d even put The Avengers to shame.

Remember: The next time you need a group of people to stand nervously behind you while you address someone, we’re available.

Take Some “Me” Time.

Despite the fact that people still consider me to be a heartless bastard, who would tell someone to kill themselves at the first chance I get, I actually am someone who’s quite compassionate and empathetic and all that mushy garbage.

Although I can be quite a terrible person, like any true Gemini, I have multiple faces. Some people call it “schizophrenia”, I call it “the spice of life”. Strangely enough though, over the past couple of months I have found myself playing counsellor to a lot of people. While I do enjoy helping them with their issues, mainly because I fucking love to gossip, sometimes it’s all a bit much.

Firstly, it’s hard to help people when you’re dealing with your own issues, but also when you try to help many people at once, it can be a bit overwhelming as you tend to carry their burdens with you. This is usually how most of us operate. We try to help others to such an extent that our own needs fall by the wayside… well I don’t do that but, y’know, it happens to helpful people all the time.

Anyway, I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to start focusing solely on myself (as if I wasn’t doing that all along). I’m going to go crazy and do adventurous things like… running! *gasp* (It’s funny because I’m fat).

Seriously though, the world is just so damn fast-paced and we’re all caught up in doing shit and making sure we reach deadlines and finishing what we need to and blah blah blah, that we just lose ourselves in it. We all just need to chill a little and do the things that we enjoy.

So I hope this post inspires you to take a little time off to go kick a ball with your kid, read a book, play a video, dance like a hoochie on a bar counter… oh sorry, that’s what I do for fun. Whatever it is, just take some “Me” time for yourself because remember: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Man Flu No More!

This post is more for all my brethren in the house (holla!), for we have all had to battle the demon known as “man flu”. Yes ladies, this is a real thing and it is not to be taken lightly. Luckily for all you guys, I have compiled a list of my top tips that you can use to deal and ultimately beat the man flu.

So without any further ado, here are my top 10 tips to beating the man flu:

1. Move back in with your parents.
Be warned my brothers, the man flu will attack your body violently and relentlessly. During this time, it is advisable that you move back home and make your parents wait on you, hand and foot. It’s okay, they won’t mind because they’re old and have nothing better to do with their lives.

2. Demand foot rubs.
As a man, you are awarded certain powers by society. One of these powers allows you to beckon any woman to come hither and massage your feet. It’s a little known fact, but women love to serve men, especially when we demand it. Make sure they work on those corns and bunions.

3. Feel free to cry.
When you’re so close to death, you’re allowed to shed some tears. Just make sure that you do so in the manliest way possible. When dealing with the man flu, it is acceptable to cry anywhere from two to four hours straight.

4. Demand cuddles.
This is a little-known fact but, hugs have healing powers. Get as many cuddles as possible, but only from women because they’re not capable of getting man flu as they only suffer from mild strains of the common cold.

5. Educate women about the man flu.
It’s a well-known fact that women look down upon men when we’re sick because they’re heartless creatures who know not of our suffering. Seriously, what do they know about pain? All women have to deal with is menstruation and childbirth. Therefore, it is up to us to educate them about the perils of contracting this disease. They will appreciate your teachings and will be eager to serve you.

6. Avoid work/school at all costs.
When suffering from the man flu, you will suffer from debilitating pain. I warn you, do not even attempt to leave your bed because you might drop dead on the spot. Seriously, if you even think about work, you may very well have a stroke. It’s just not worth it.

7. Video games are your friends.
I know, I know! This isn’t something we enjoy doing at all, but playing video games can help you forget that fact that you are dying a slow and painful death. Trust me on this guys, even though playing on the old PlayStation 3 is pain in the ass, you need to do it for your greater good.

8. Call a priest.
Man flu can best be described as being akin to demon possession. If you are suffering from this disease, call up your local priest and ask him to perform an exorcism on you. If you begin to projectile vomit, speak in tongues and have Lucifer communicate through you, you can be sure that you have the man flu. Exorcism is your only hope.

9. Lament the world.
When you’re sick, everything in the world is awful. Pretty little butterflies, cute little puppies and adorable babies can all suck it. It’s only when you’re sick that you realise how much everything blows and you should voice your dissatisfaction with the world. It’s your right and you should exercise it.

10. Get spiritual
How’s your relationship with God? Is it good? Could it be better? Well, if you think you need to get closer to God then you’d better get on it. Chances are that if you contract the man flu, you’re going to be meeting him soon anyway, so you might as well get yourself right with him.

So there it is, my Top 10 tips on dealing with the man flu. Hopefully it can help you someday… or not. I don’t really care either way.

This Really Does Suck.

Ah, adulthood. The thing we spend the duration of our childhood longing for. We spent far too much time wishing we could be older than we were and then, when we actually made it to being adults, we realised that this shit really does suck.

I usually pride myself on being a shining example of maturity and other adult qualities that I can’t think of right now. However, I’m an almost-21 year old who can be as immature as they come. For example: I remember during my first year of varsity, I would skip my Psychology lectures every Wednesday afternoon, just so that I could make it home in time to watch the Power Rangers. It’s silly things like watching a TV show from my childhood that makes me feel nostalgic, but moreover, it makes me sad.

The fact of the matter is, I miss just being a kid sometimes. Children don’t have the responsibilities that we do. Their lives are theirs to lead; to have fun and be innocent, to learn, play and just have an amazing time. Children these days just don’t understand this though and it utterly breaks my heart that they try to grow up before their time.

To know that there are 14 year olds smoking, having sex and experimenting with drugs makes my heart very sore. I wish they just would realise what an amazing part of their lives they’re missing because they’re trying to act older than they are. Sadly though, this is the state of our world and there seems that nothing’s able to change it.

This all seems a bit morbid, but I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about. If not, watch a television program that you used to when you were a kid, listen to one of your favourite songs from 10 years ago or remember the games that you used to play with your friends. Feel that? Feel that little twinge of nostalgia? That’s what I’m talking about.

In closing, if you’re a kid and you’re reading this, I’d just like to say: What the hell are you doing on the internet?! Go outside and kick a ball or climb a tree or play hopscotch or something!!!

-End rant-

I’ll Give This Post A Title… Tomorrow.

“Procrastination is the thief of time” – I’m sure someone said this but I’m too lazy to Google who it was.

If you’ve read my last blogpost, you will know that I really stink at coming up with stuff to write about because my life is so super full with social activities such as going out with friends*, partying* and being awesome*
(*Sitting alone in the dark, in my underwear and crying).

Anyway, while trying to think of a topic for this blogpost, I had an epiphany! My brain was all like “Hey! You’re lazy, why don’t you write about that?!” and I was all like “HOLY SHIT, YOU CAN TALK?!”… but that’s a story for another day. So yeah, I guess this post is about my favourite pastime: Procrastination.

Are you guilty of procrastinating? Because I can procrastinate the shit out of any situation. Seriously, give me an assignment and tell me I have two months to do it in and see if I don’t leave it until the night before. (And to any of my lecturers who may be reading this, I’m TOTALLY joking, haha! … kind of).

Don’t get me wrong, I totally get that procrastination is a terrible attribute to have because it robs us of valuable time that we can never get back, but the way I see it is: Why do today what you can do tomorrow? No, no, that’s just awful. One shouldn’t leave things for a later time because we could literally drop dead at any moment and thus, never get to do it. Life’s fickle like that!

On the upside, if you die, you won’t have to do whatever it was you were supposed to. So, hey, maybe procrastination isn’t so bad after all because we could totally die before we have to get to the task at hand. NEAT!

In all seriousness though, I realise it’s not good to be a lazy procrastinator to the extent that I am and I am going to work on bettering myself and my work ethic… starting tomorrow.

Uh???

Well, here we are, you guys. This is officially my 14th blogpost… OR IS IT?! I’m not trying to be dramatic, I’m just trying to say that this is more of an anti-blogpost blogpost. Right now, I’m sure you’re looking at your screen thinking “This kid is definitely high”. If you were, YOU’RE WRONG! I’m totally clean. Hugs not drugs, yo! *hits fist against chest* *throws up peace sign*

For those of you who don’t know, I am required to run this blog as part of my continuous assessment for my Honours Journalism class. For this, I’m supposed to have at least 3 blogposts a week, which was awesome… at first.

Anyone who knows me personally, knows that I never shut my gigantic pie-hole and so the first few blog topics came to me really easily. I knocked them out of the park like Babe Ruth hitting a homer… until about the 6th or 7th blogpost. Now if I realise that I need to update my blog, I just sit here looking at my phone like this.

Mostly I try to draw a topic from things I find humorous, interesting or even something I want to rant about, whereas my classmates often post serious, brilliant and thought-provoking blogs and I sit here thinking: “Wow, you guys have no idea how close I was to posting a blog about a potato”.

It’s interesting though, as my buddy Zippy said in her blogpost about Writer’s Block, that we live in a world that has such an amazing variety of things ranging from Space-Age technology to dogs who can use the toilet like a human and yet, I have no idea what to write about.

It doesn’t matter though because I’m sure my next blog topic will come to me fairly easily. Right? It has to, right?! Right guys?! … guys? Oh well, until something pops into my head, I will return to my default state of mind.

Oh No, I’m Fine.

Hello, my dear readers. I hope this post finds you all in good health because I most certainly am not. Yes, I sit here typing this as I take my last few breaths as my time on God’s green Earth draws to an end. You see, ladies and gentlemen, I have the flu.

What?! Don’t look at me like that; it’s actually a lot worse than it sounds. For example, the picture accompanying this post is not a drawing, it is in fact a picture taken of me this afternoon. Seriously, I turn into a little blonde white girl holding a cat when I’m sick. True story.

It’s said that at least 2 out of every 3 sufferers of the flu die within the first 24 hours of contracting this disease and uh, this is totally not a made-up statistic. You don’t need to Google this because I’m totally trustworthy! *puts both thumbs up and gives cheesy smile*

In all seriousness though, having the influenza isn’t all that fun. My body feels like it’s met the business-end of a baseball bat, I have a fever which makes me feel like I’m in the Sahara desert one moment and the frozen planes of the tundra the next, my nose can’t decide whether it enjoys being blocked or runny more but is having a grand old time switching between the two and to top it all off, my head is killing me. (Not literally, although I wish it was literal at this point.)

It’s been a long, tough road (over the course of today, at least) and despite my suffering with this fatal disease, I have been a real soldier and handled it like a mature adult. To prove how totally equipped I am to handle whatever life throws at me, here are some quotes from me, from my time alone:

•I’m going to die today.
•Why do you hate me, Jesus?!
•*sings Opera to self* Oh Lord, this fever is making me lose my mind.
•*sees sun coming out* GO AWAY, SUN! LEAVE ME TO DIE IN PEACE!!! *sniffles* *falls face-first into pillow* *weeps violently*

Uh, yeah… like a mature adult.

Anyway, despite the fact that I am now physically handicapped, I will face the world with vigour and optimism… starting tomorrow because right now I need to just curl up into a ball and die. Second on my list is to just sit here, looking into the darkness, wondering why bad things happen to good people.

In closing: If I am to meet my untimely demise due to my illness, I want you all to remember me as a lively, bubbly guy who always made people laugh and a guy who had a great, great butt. Seriously, it’s ridiculous how magnificent this thing is. I mean it, someone had better mention this fact in my eulogy because damn.

Lie? I Think Not!

People who know me personally would probably vouch for the fact that I’m sometimes not the nicest person to be around because I have a tendency to be kind of mean.

Here’s the crazy thing though: I don’t do it intentionally, it’s just that I prefer to be straightforward with what I say rather than sugar-coating things just to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. I believe that it’s better to be open and honest rather than to lie because really, what’s the point?

Now, because I usually am so straightforward, I get accused of being mean, rude, arrogant (although admittedly, I sometimes am) and my favourite, sarcastic. I know what you’re all thinking right now: “Nikolai? Sarcastic? Neverrr”.

Anyway, I just don’t understand why people go about their lives lying to other people in hopes of not hurting their feelings. I could maybe understand if it’s something that really requires the truth to be withheld but other than that, why?

I’m sure you’re judging me here, thinking that I’m being condescending or supercilious but the truth of the matter is that I’m not, I merely know for a fact that I’m just plain better than everyone else and they need to be informed thusly… just kidding… kind of.

I know those of you who happen to be nicer than I am (which is about 96% of the world’s population), probably think that I’m utterly ghastly but you should try to see my point here. I’m not saying that you have to go out of your way to be negative to someone, just don’t lie because there’s no point in it.

Like I said though, I don’t believe in being purposefully malicious towards another person merely for the sake of it because, that’s not how I roll. Yes, I may be a sarcastic, rude, condescending, supercilious asshole but I’m learning each day to be a better person and one day, I will enter the Miss Universe pageant and despite physically being a male, I will win because I’ll be totally altruistic and wish for world peace and stuff.

(Cue the cheesy inspirational music as I ride off into the sunset on Gertrude).