Welp, as usual, I’m late because… well I’m just so lazy, guys ☹. Happy New Year, nonetheless, homey dawgs! *throws up gang signs*
Seeing that I am the foremost authority on how to live life while being beautiful, intelligent, witty, gorgeous, flawless, smart, charming, hilarious and most importantly humble, I have devised a list of things that need to go away in 2015:
1. Being Shitty On Social Media
I’ve noticed a trend on websites like Facebook and Twitter where people think they have free reign to say anything they wish because they’re behind their keyboards, and that there is no consequences for their actions.
I have to admit that I have fallen into this trap many times in the past. It’s very easy to say something awful to someone who is just a picture and a name on a screen – but we often forget these are real people with real emotions and putting them down to make yourself feel better is just a shitty thing to do.
2. Being Shitty In Real Life
And then we have those people who are just nasty in reality for the heck of it. We all know those people who get joy from bringing others down. Don’t be that person, nobody likes that person. If you ever encounter such a person, don’t attempt to fight fire with fire – you just get more fire – instead show them kindness. It will truly baffle them.
3. Comparing Yourself To Others
Put your hand up if you’re guilty of this one… Okay now tell me if you put your hand up; I can’t see you. I am terribly guilty of this. Often you see these picture perfect people on TV or in magazines, hell, sometimes even in reality and you think “She’s so pretty, why can’t I look like that?”, “Look at his six pack, I wish I had a six pack like that”, “I hate my body, why cant my body look like hers”, “My stretch marks are absolutely hideous, I wish I had smooth skin like him” (Yup, men get stretch marks too and some of us hate it just as much as some ladies do).
You see, the problem with comparing yourself to other people is – you will never ever be them, no matter how hard you try. You need to learn to accept yourself as you are and to change the things you can’t accept.
Remember: You can only be the best version of you. Wait I think I stole that from Oprah.
4. Putting Yourself Down
Nobody likes to fail, simple as that. No one wakes up in the morning and thinks “Damn, I can’t wait to go and screw something up today lol!”. We cannot control everything that happens in life and because of that, yes, sometimes we will fail.
It does not mean we are bad people, it does not mean that we are stupid or worthless, or any of that bad stuff. What is simply means is that we are human. We all make mistakes and we should grow and learn from them, rather than beating ourselves up over them.
5. Bucket Hats
No. Please. Please go.
6. Posting Clickbait
You all know those links that pop up on Facebook and Twitter with titles like “Woman Was Being Eaten By A Bear… But Then Something Amazing Happened!”. No. We don’t care, we hope you get eaten by a bear too.
We all just complain too much. I think if we appreciated the small things in life, we’d be much happier people. Hey, there’s pizza in the world, there’s bacon (omfg bacon) (ignore this if you are Muslim or Jewish), there are cute little puppies and sweet little babies. And the best part about babies is that you can give them back to their parents when you’re tired of them. Pure bliss! No more complaining in 2K15 (unless I do it because I’m totally justified).
8. Socks And Sandals
*screams horrifically for 12 years*
9. Neglecting Loved Ones
The sad truth of the matter is that the people we love will not be around forever. Often we forget that our time is limited so we postpone plans and put off spending time with those we care for most. “I guess I’ll see you another time”, well what if that time never comes? Life is but a fleeting moment, snatched away before we even know it.
So go and spend time with your friends and family because one day when your time on this mortal coil is over, you’re not going to lie on your deathbed and think “I’m so glad I spent my life working”.
10. Making Us Look At/Talk To Your Babies
tbh babies are super cute, except for when they’re just born. It makes me really uncomfortable when I have to meet a baby for the first time because they’re really ugly and what do you say to a baby? They don’t even try to add anything to the conversation. Oh googoo gaga? Well thanks for that amazing input, asshole.
Please don’t make me talk to your baby or have to look at it until it becomes cute, thanks.
11. Believing Everything We Read On The Internet
Anyone can spout any garbage they want on the internet. Some people take this as the absolute truth and never stop for a moment to question the validity of some of these claims. I’m here to tell you to believe none of it, except for what I say:
• No, there is no illuminati.
• There is no “gay agenda” and we are not trying to turn anyone gay. We are not the army, we don’t recruit.
• Yes, in real life, I actually look the way I do in my profile pictures.
• Dogs love you, cats tolerate you.
• Aliens are real.
• Money can buy you happiness.
• There is no 5-second rule. Don’t eat food off the floor, you pig.
• Mullets are out but perms are somehow still in? (Either that or the people I have seen didn’t get the memo)
• Moths are evil, don’t trust them around your children.
• Twerking will live forever. Don’t ever stop twerking.
• You have never seen me and Beyoncé in the same room at the same time. Think about that.
Here’s to an amazing 2K15!