This post is more for all my brethren in the house (holla!), for we have all had to battle the demon known as “man flu”. Yes ladies, this is a real thing and it is not to be taken lightly. Luckily for all you guys, I have compiled a list of my top tips that you can use to deal and ultimately beat the man flu.
So without any further ado, here are my top 10 tips to beating the man flu:
1. Move back in with your parents.
Be warned my brothers, the man flu will attack your body violently and relentlessly. During this time, it is advisable that you move back home and make your parents wait on you, hand and foot. It’s okay, they won’t mind because they’re old and have nothing better to do with their lives.
2. Demand foot rubs.
As a man, you are awarded certain powers by society. One of these powers allows you to beckon any woman to come hither and massage your feet. It’s a little known fact, but women love to serve men, especially when we demand it. Make sure they work on those corns and bunions.
3. Feel free to cry.
When you’re so close to death, you’re allowed to shed some tears. Just make sure that you do so in the manliest way possible. When dealing with the man flu, it is acceptable to cry anywhere from two to four hours straight.
4. Demand cuddles.
This is a little-known fact but, hugs have healing powers. Get as many cuddles as possible, but only from women because they’re not capable of getting man flu as they only suffer from mild strains of the common cold.
5. Educate women about the man flu.
It’s a well-known fact that women look down upon men when we’re sick because they’re heartless creatures who know not of our suffering. Seriously, what do they know about pain? All women have to deal with is menstruation and childbirth. Therefore, it is up to us to educate them about the perils of contracting this disease. They will appreciate your teachings and will be eager to serve you.
6. Avoid work/school at all costs.
When suffering from the man flu, you will suffer from debilitating pain. I warn you, do not even attempt to leave your bed because you might drop dead on the spot. Seriously, if you even think about work, you may very well have a stroke. It’s just not worth it.
7. Video games are your friends.
I know, I know! This isn’t something we enjoy doing at all, but playing video games can help you forget that fact that you are dying a slow and painful death. Trust me on this guys, even though playing on the old PlayStation 3 is pain in the ass, you need to do it for your greater good.
8. Call a priest.
Man flu can best be described as being akin to demon possession. If you are suffering from this disease, call up your local priest and ask him to perform an exorcism on you. If you begin to projectile vomit, speak in tongues and have Lucifer communicate through you, you can be sure that you have the man flu. Exorcism is your only hope.
9. Lament the world.
When you’re sick, everything in the world is awful. Pretty little butterflies, cute little puppies and adorable babies can all suck it. It’s only when you’re sick that you realise how much everything blows and you should voice your dissatisfaction with the world. It’s your right and you should exercise it.
10. Get spiritual
How’s your relationship with God? Is it good? Could it be better? Well, if you think you need to get closer to God then you’d better get on it. Chances are that if you contract the man flu, you’re going to be meeting him soon anyway, so you might as well get yourself right with him.
So there it is, my Top 10 tips on dealing with the man flu. Hopefully it can help you someday… or not. I don’t really care either way.